havent posted in a long time.

the rest of my family is at otakon this weekend.

i dont think i have ever seen deidre this depressed. even when we left florida and she was stuck in that one room in georgia. she wasnt this depressed.

maybe my migraine is a direct effect of how she is feeling

i miss them too

i dont think its possible to articulate how much i really hate stairs.

ive fallen down thefthe stairs that lead to the rest of the house too many times

today i did it and messed up my hip

then about three hours ago, on my way to take deidre out, as she slid down the rest of the stairs, as excited as she was.

i hit the top of the stair wrong nd the next thing i know.... "thump... theump.. thump" all the way down to the very bottom of the steps on my ass.

i hate life sometimes... and they way i am.

im turning 40 tomorrow... and if it wasnt for the fact that that i KNOW its my birthday... it would be like any other day here.

im having an mri at 9am and then i have to head to my doctors afterwards so i can give more blood. and then go by the mall and have my glasses fixed and then i need to have ny laptop taken back to bestbuy because i need to have the geeks need to relook at it. after replacing my hard drive.

there would be no cake if i hadnt ordered it and set aside 20.00 of my ebt to pay for it. there wont be anything special dinner wise...

and the worse part is is id rather just lock myself in my room, never seeing anyone again

i can't explain things in a way that you might even understand except to say that i know that i let you both down and that i guess its fate... karma... something that shares the message in my dreams that tells me how much you're lives would be better off without me...

tonight i realized .... really and truly realized what a complete waste of air i am... and the fact that im just taking up space...

a burden then.. a burden now.. a burden forever.

don't you think i have figured that out?

disappointment...
sadness...
hopelessness
death.

happiness
light
hope
love...

contradictions
in a world of non-believers
all trying to escape
their own fate.

i wish i understood it all...
that i wasnt such a coward...
sharp blades
and yet i could not cut
could not punish for my shortcomings

a voice in my dreams
trust that never comes
these things like a drop of rain
or drips of blood
strips of bandage that wounds
do not hold.

still the silence is deafening

hmmm.... I don't really see clothes that way...  although when I'm with Master, I feel confidant, or wearing the first collar he gave me, I feel the best, even though its not really the everyday one, but it is the BEST one. I do like the thought of dressing all sexy for someone special.

I know what you're all thinking... it's not all that bad... but right now its  exactly that bad.  im banking with the dreaded bank of america who's collecting the fees it needs from it own people so that the federa; government will get off its back after it collects over something like 32 million dollars so it wont go belly up in the recession.  but in order to that, it has to collect fees from us... in the form of things like when my disability check hits the check and even though the arent allowed to "hold or put a pending status on my soc security check, they do anyway for 23 to 48 hours and in the meantime, anything that comes in, they pay but charge me an Over Draft charge of 39 dollars. And this past month they hit me with more than 5 so there was only 300 left in my check, then i had to write a post dated check when i went to the doctor about my shoulder.  And I go back on the 14th to have my shoulder looked at again along with xrays of my knees.

the stress of my room mate though is causing me undue health issues.... the cluster headaches have been the worse.....  he lost his job because he got "pissy" at work and instead of woring it out he got mad and alked out and thus was fired.  So he cannot collect unemployment.  Which he might have been able to do if he has just waited. But no he let his anger get the best of him.  and now he's not taken his Bi-polar medication either and he's depressed about not working and he spends every waking moment snapping at me or my dog or his dogs... deirde s scared to death to g downstairs when he is there.

a good friend let me borrow some $ so i could go to the doctor on tje 14th. Ive already thanked her very much.

now im faced with the constant guilt ....  they bought cheap grocery story dog food last month to feed their four dogs, and thus my dog.  And its been shredding her stomach. She's been eating grass at every time she goes outside.  She has been eating the Eukanuba brand that we get at Pet Smart since she was a puppy, she is 5 years now.   So when I got my disability check, I knew Id have to buy a medium bag of the good stuff which I knew would last her a month because she doesnt eat more than 1 bowl of food a day and even then she doesnt eat it every day she just eats when she is hungry.  So they took me to pet smart and when i was there they sprung it on me that there 15 cats were going to starve if they didnt have a 25.00 bag of good IAMS food and since I was buying food for deidre it only made sense to spend $50 to buy the kind that all the dogs like and get the bag that lasts a little less than 3 weeks.  Then they take it to the reguster and I pay for it, cause what am I suppose to do.   May a scene in pet smart.??? I was already sleep deprived, and hungry... and having issues with a cluster headache still.

i cant afford to pay for the cluster headache medicatio because its not covered under my insurance plan... i need it but i cant pay for it this month... it will have to wait.... its one of the reasons im having trouble sleeping at night and at any other time too.

the other day J and i were arguing over stupid stuff... on the stairs and i took a nasty fall down the last 6 stairs. i know his hand was on the base of my neck when i felt him helping me to fall, it was NOT my imagination.  he just stepped over me, told me i was clumsy, he went to get K and said he could see why r divorced me since i was so clumsy. 

I AM NOT CLUMSY!!!

i know i had help

doesnt matter now.

i cant prove it.

he tells me that he is tired of me eating "their" food, but for the most part the only agreement we have is that the 141.00 I get in EBT (food stamps) is to be used in food for the house, for the ENTIRE house's consumption.  Which means we all get to eat it, and I get to buy things that I eat especially, not just "junk food" that jim wants when he's been drinking beer or when he is depressed.  Which means that he cant spend 50.00 of my ebt on peanuts, moonpies, reg soda, fruit (that im not allowed to touch), and $8 jars of flavored peanutbutter.

My EBT > is for buying fruit, yes, fruit that is ON SALE and that we all eat but esp me, cause sometimes its the only thing I eat in the house, (the have a second freezer in the house and its filled with food that they buy at Sams that i would never buy or eat) and if I want a couple boxes of cereal that allow me to eat meals then i should be allowed this too.

Instead... i get lectures about what is bought, even though the last trip and what was bought i had nothing to do with any of it, they seperated everthung that had been my choices and had the cashier remove them (after they said they would cover the over amount which would have been 40.00 of their stuff had they not moved their stuff for mine)

So I went to the grocery store this check the other day after spending about 2 hours at soc security getting my soc sec card switched to my maiden name.  and they stopped at the store and i put aside no more than 39.00 and bought just that amount which included cereal, and lunch stuff (cause during this week of aunt flo my blood sugar has the tendency to drop tooo low and i pass out) and i bought kool aid and splenda... i bought milk. and a few apples. and splurged on .88 on a pint of choc paradise ice cream at kroger. cause their pints of ice cream are only eighty-eight cents with card which i have, and its tasty.

even with all of that i made a pizza for 1 for myself, one of those totinos.... it's not a pizza that is worth sharing esp if you havent eaten anything all day. i put it in the oven and waited th 12 mintes for it, when it was done he offered to take it out for me, so i let him, when he handed it to me, it was just twi tin slivers.... he had taken the rest for himself. I looked at him.

I asked him where the rest of my pizza was, he just looked at me and said that he thought i was sharing it with him. I told him, that if he felt that he must have one then he could bake himself one, but that if i had known ahead of time that my cost of him taking my pizza out of the oven was my entire pizza I would have done it myself.  He then delivered the rest of the pizza sans two pieces.  He had scarfed them down already. *sighs*

Then he started yelling at me about how they wasted their gas, and k broke in and said that I gave them gas money for the errands, and he blew up at her and started freaking out even more and stormed out of the house. when I went to stand... i almost passed out due to the pain in my neck due to the cluster headache forming.  i barely made it upstairs... and i ate a slice or two of my pizza and then took phrennagan so i good keep it down, deidre ate the rest (she was thrilled- very happy doggy.)

but i know that the month isnt even close to being over.... and i wonder how im going to survive this

i mean i spent the past weekend sleeping for 48 hours almost.... well monday or something
but since then then ive been wide awake, and the headache wont go away.
and i hurt.... i miss having the valium, atleast it took the edge off, maybe it didnt always take the headache away... but most of the time it did i wish my medicare would cover it

i wish that my dreams had more meaning to them...

sometimes teh dreams are inocous... meaning so very little, just dreams...

others scare the hell of of me

some lead back into my past, various stages of my past.... some more horrific than others.... each dream though, seems to leave me weaker than the next so i am assuming there is a pattern there for someone...

some one whom might care

what i know for sure is that i havent ket any food nor liquid down for more than 30 minutes when it comes back up again... making me weaker than before

should i be concerned?  my housemates arent.... the only concern seems to be coming from my shaman teachers... living too far away

dream of possible pasts, possivble futures....

and yet still there are still times that soon i will be too weak to care anymore....
too weak to help
to weak to warn...

to weak to fight for them, for myself and thats when it will happen.

thats when i will die... by my own hand or my goddess' or by some invisible fight that seems to be effecting just a few of us...

when i do... when it comes to pass i will live my books to my friends... my music to the Master.... among so many other things....

will find away though before i leave this earth to give my powers to the one i love... worship with mind, body and soul...

will save him, no matter what it wikk cost me, i believe it will cost eveything that i have worked so hard and long to do.. to survive...  for what??

for what???

I've had constant tooth pain for the last 3 weeks.  Taking more meds on top of everything, and nothing helps, constant brushing with senstitve toothpaste and then flossing afterwards.

But still it just doesnt help.

So I called Sterling today... thats my "private fee for service" insurance company that I have instead of using straight Medicare.

And I get $300 per year which ONLY COVERS PREVENTATIVE Services
1. xrays
2. flouride treatments
3. cleanings
4. an exam

But it does NOT cover emergency care or Anything else that I need or might need like:
A. an extraction
B. root canal
C. fillings
D. Basically anything non-preventative

Which means I wont be going for my TMJ issues, and I wont be going to have it looked at for fixing it, but if I want to go and spend my entire monthly $690 then I might be able to go and have an appointment and have the tooth pulled, or fixed or root canal.

I hate it.  I went to my father, just mentioned it in passing since he called me again about the visit he wants me to make in Sept
and he was nice enough to remind me that "

"If you had listened to me, and not divorced ray then you'd still have REAL dental insurance and you wouldnt be going through this."

nmy response: yeah dad, if I listened to you and not divorced ray I wouldnt need his dental insurance because I'd be dead

which he told me to stop being so over-dramatic. *sighs*

i guess he doesnt remember when i was in the hospital.... even though he tried to have me committed while i was recovering just cause he was banned from seeing me.

and yet he wants me to come see him for 2 weeks in sept.

then 2 hours later he calls me up to tell me that if i come to see him then he'll pay to have my tooth looked at and have it fixed, no matter what it needs.  *sighs*

he left me a message... with a thing to call him back when I have time to think about it.

i dont want to be stuck in his house for 2 weeks... at his mercy

and yet i dont know how i can say no at this point

i dont know... what to do...

??????????????????????????????????????????/

it's NOT what you think it is...

it strips me bare
lays waste
to my defenses...

i cry in the night--
wishing that you
were by my side...

it courses through my veins
like a silent poison...
pulling me under
dragging life from me.

its the drug
that blocks the pain,
not curing it...
nothing does that.

i think I'd embrace the pain
if it meant you would be here
by my side....

holding my hand,
telling me that it will get better.

I am all alone,
it will be like this again...

the pain,
my only companion...

like a thief in the night
keeping me awake
stroking my very soul
reminding me that i
will never be alone again...


***the pain in my body seems to be outweighing what I feel in my heart... my soul...  the dreams started too early tonight.  the same one followed closely by the new one that is just a reminder but with the feeling that it happened in real life and more because of what occurs afterwards.

but now that im awake... the pain in my shoulder, arm, wrist hurts so much that all the pain meds I take and nothing helps. it just makes me want to take more and more and more till the pain goes away, but i fear it will never go away.  never till i live and breathe no more